Gears of War 3 (X360, 2011)

It has been a long running gag amongst my friends, that Gears of War is so manly that it's hard not to play it without occasionally shouting out in a symphony of raging awesome. This has always been the way of the series. Oh, look, there is a door that needs opening. YOU KICK THAT DOOR OPEN! Oh no, that enemy is gonna hit me with his gun. Well, SAW HIM IN HALF WITH THE CHAINSAW AT THE END OF YOUR GUN! Not to mention that historically, every guy in this entire series has a neck that is the size of a bulldozer. Gears of War is pretty funny in all of those respects. Gears of War 3 however, wanted to do something new, in that it added in a few female characters. Pfft girls in my video game? That's so gay! (for those who don't know, I'm kidding).

This game was not as much about being rage filled, boner swinging, badass who looks like they ate two dozen spicy taquitos and are trying to get them out of their system, so much as it was a grounded ending to a pretty epic trilogy. The question is, how did it do for that. Let me tell you that Gears of War 3 is the least exciting in the series, in that it all feels much more grounded and perhaps a little too structured. Unfortunately, in the narrative, every act feels like it is over stretched to fit in 6 chapters. It does get a little bit tedious after a while, and leaves me wondering if the entire trilogy was like this and my tastes have evolved, or if this game just lacks the energy of those before it.

The series itself, left a lot of questions to be answered within the storyline that I feel are pretty big and necessary to know. I usually stand on the side of "if it didn't tell you, it wasn't important" but I feel like it didn't tell us a few things that were legitimately important. I also feel like the newer exploding enemies, just aren't anywhere near as fun to battle. The final boss fight wasn't terribly fun either, but instead frustrating and  padded out to last way too long.

Don't take all of those negatives as me hating the game though, as I really don't. The game has some seriously good things in it too. It seems to me, this time around, this game was trying to be less of an EXTREME experience and more of a story. Almost all of the main characters have something big and personal to overcome, and it's handled in a way that is relatively realistic. I especially enjoyed fan favorite Cole's big moment early in the game. It was a glorious moment in gaming, all the way. Another big thing to mention is that the story takes some very big turns that very few games would have the guts to take. A particular sad part occurs near the mid-point of the game, and proves to be effective. More specifically, I find the game is better after it happens, because it never forgets about what happened. It drives me nuts, how fast some games will overlook a traumatic moment sometimes, and just act like everything is ok right after, and it seems to me that the creators of this game shared my grief. Great job, on that.

Yeah, that's a chainsaw fight.

I will say the resolution at the very end is a little bit sudden, but it works for me and, as a person who values a great ending above all else, this one didn't disappoint me. CliffyB, the game's director, really is becoming something of a storyteller, and I couldn't be happier because of it.

I would also be ashamed to forget to mention how great this game looks. There is a very good chance that this is the best looking game on the xbox 360. Kudos Epic Games!

Overall, Gears 3 is not a great jumping on point, but if you've enjoyed the first two instalments, you'd have to be crazy not to experience this one. It may not take you on as many highly imaginative adventures, but it will stay in your mind none the less. Apparently the multiplayer is fun and highly rewarding, but I don't feel like renewing my gold membership for the price of a new game, just so I can be told how gay I am every 5 minutes.

A New Way to Play (Part 4)

My preferred system of today is the Playstation 3. I'm not an irrational fanboy about it either, as I have all of the current gen consoles. I've dabbled in all of them, but at the end of the day, the PS3 has spoken directly to me the most. Don't take that previous statement the wrong way though, as I won't defend everything they do.

Chapter 4: ...I can do better.

This is the Playstation Move. If it looks familiar, it is essentially very similar to the Nintendo Wii's control scheme. The difference is that the Move is accurate and works well. When this was announced, I was a little bit excited by the prospect of being able to play a Wii game with the slightest semblance of accuracy. I bought it upon release used it just enough to be able to say it works very well, but I don't use it at all. Why is this? As it turns out, in my not so humble opinion, the fact that the Wii doesn't control well, isn't even the biggest part of why the Wii is a failure. As it turns out, no matter how accurate you make it, swinging your arms around to play a game gets old.

The difference here, is that the Move has been attached to various games of actual substance for the PS3. Resistance 3 and Killzone 3 are done well, and the Sly Collection is pretty fun too. These games are for actual gamers and offset the hand full of crappy party games that also came out for it. Still, while this all sounds like a massive success story, these great games can be played better with a plain old controller. This is a wonderful thing, because no matter how well your motion controller works, the last thing that should be on your mind is how you're controlling the game. With a game, you are a part of the game with a controller, because your hands get comfortable and obtain a memory, so that you are just moving a character on the screen with your mind and you forget that your hands are involved. Try to forget that you are playing a game while swinging your arms at a TV screen.

I guess that is what this all comes down to. My personal preference of gaming, is to experience adventures and stories as a diversion for every day life. I'm sorry, but I don't find slapping a virtual beach ball back at my screen to be all that mentally engaging. I personally don't want to shut my mind off with a video game, so much as take my mind away. For shutting your mind off it's all about movies, where you can just sit back and let it happen in front of you.

The Move did well, for what it is, but it won't replace anything, and I hope that Sony will move forward staying focussed on the core gamers. I hope they can see Nintendo's success with motion control is fleeting and was only a temporary thing, and that copying them is not a good idea. 

Next time, I look at the other knee jerk reaction to the Wii.

A New Way to Play (Part 3)

I used to play Sudoku on my phone, or Wheel of Fortune. Those were decent, but then something happened to the mobile phone gaming spectrum.

Chapter 3: The magic touch

The basic idea of playing a really good Dead Space game, while sitting in a waiting room is overwhelmingly awesome, but early last year EA figured out a way to make it happen and didn't even have to gimp it. From an atmospheric standpoint, I even enjoyed Dead Space iOS more than Dead Space 2 for the big consoles. I must digress though, this post is not Dead Space for the iPhone, so much as it is about the iPhone itself. The iPhone is in it's own right a brilliant gaming console. On one hand, it's got great classics, like Chrono Trigger or Secret of Mana, but on the other you get new incredible games, like Chaos Rings or the infamous Infinity Blade. iPhone is a beast and has done amazing things for gaming in general. People who don't care about gaming at all, can't get enough of simple games like Angry Birds or Cut the Rope (my preferred of the two) and in some way gain an understanding of the joys of gaming as a whole. My girlfriend often steals my phone to play a game called Pocket Frogs. She's hardcore!

Alas though, this series is not about the great games on the console, but how the controls have changed the way we play. The iPhone fares pretty well. It doesn't feel like a tacked on gimmick, so much as a relative advancement, but I would be delusional if I said it was perfect. The touch screen controls, often serve to take you out of the experience, and occasionally leave you struggling to get the control that you would have with a controller. Specific examples would be with Chrono Trigger at a part when you have to catch a rat by running and turning sharp corners after him, and Dead Space when there are several enemies on the screen and you are trying to aim at specific ones in specific ways. Don't get me wrong though, it's definitely functional, but limited in intense parts. On that note, Mega Man games, flat out, don't work on the iPhone.

The iPhone is a lot like the Nintendo DS, in that it isn't played in the best of ways, but it has great gaming support, with games that I would call every bit as good as console games. Overall, the iPhone actually accomplished the goal of allowing the casual crowd to get interested in gaming, without lying to them and telling them that gaming was something else this whole time.

I like my iPhone a lot, but it's still no substitute for buttons.

Dragonborn and loving it...

Not long ago, I wrote a post saying I had a list of games to play before I could finally decide on my top 5 games of 2011. Well, after moving through Uncharted 3 and nearly being finished Gears of War 3, I got some Skyrim all up in my grill. What that means, is that I will be playing Skyrim for a VERY long time. It's pretty bad that not only am I at work these days, thinking about what my next move is in that game, but I even have my girlfriend asking me what I've been doing in it.

I find that Oblivion is a game that didn't age well, and perhaps Skyrim will end up the same, but for the time being, I wish I was playing it right now...eugh. I can't believe how naturally it guides you on and fixes all of the dated mechanics from the previous Eldar Scrolls title. No, this is not my review, but this is the only thing on my mind. Skyrim is nuts!! If there is one game out there that could compete with it for me, it's likely Dark Souls. We'll see, when I get to it. Anyway, I'll get back to my New Way to Play series next time, but today is a Monday, and that's frustrating enough.

Short post today, I know, but... I don't have time for posting. I've got to plan for my next dragon encounter!

As an aside, I was playing this with the girlfriend watching for a bit, when she remarked that it was weird to see dragons being evil creatures. Sometimes I wonder about that girl. Anyway, she then remarked that in Harry Potter there is a nice dragon that people ride. In light of this information, I would like to issue the following statement:

"Screw Harry Potter!"

A New Way to Play (Part 2)

Let's flash back to two years before the rise of the Wii. Nintendo took some big risks on a handheld with two screens. This is the Nintendo DS.

Chapter 2: The Dual-Screen Dilemma

After years of dominating the handheld market with the Gameboy, in it's various incarnations, Nintendo decided to finally try something knew to compete with the upcoming Sony handheld, the PSP. The new device boasted a much more powerful interior than anything that had come out before it, though nowhere near as powerful as Sony's machine. This is where I feel Nintendo learned that they couldn't compete on the hardware front, and thus learned that they had to be different to get sales. The DS had dual screens. One of which was a regular screen, and the other that was a stylus activated touch screen (though I personally use a finger nail).

This machine made great sales and quickly acquired a great deal of support from third party developers. For this console, I jumped on pretty late, when posed with the opportunity, for the first time ever in america to experience Final Fantasy III as a remake for the DS. It was a great system, for the most part, and really had a huge selection. The only issue I ever had with it, was the frustrating touch screen. Believe me, nothing takes you out of an experience like reaching out and touching your screen. It serves to remind you that you are watching a screen, and destroy the sense of urgency in big game events.

I personally feel that the third party developers noticed this quickly, and usually only added practical features that were often times optional to use. This was the saving grace of the DS, which is in sharp contrast to the reaction to the Wii, where everyone went gaga over the new control method and abandoned common sense, thus killing the whole idea. What was the difference between the Wii and the DS' lifespan? It's simple. The Wii took away all options (unless you had a Gamecube controller sitting around for certain games), while the DS had good old fashioned buttons to be used. This allowed immersive gaming to be delivered. Because of this, we were able to play great Castlevania's, Final Fantasy's and various other games without distraction. I would dare say, that this is an example of gimmicks used right, almost.

The way I see it, is that at the end of the day, this system would have been better without the touch screen. This also applies to the 3DS...which is a multi-layered gimmick. A touch screen and a 3d screen. No thank you Nintendo (although I do concede that it does work very well). 

I spent many days playing the DS, and never once thought touching the screen added anything to my experience. I bought the DS for good games, and that's what I got. However the success of this system is what told Nintendo that gimmicks are what people want. In their mind (according to what they later showed), the game isn't important, it's playing it in new and different ways that matters. That's why their next move was the Wii. The DS was a great system that left a bad aftermath.

A New Way to Play (Part 1)

We could trace the origin of the video game gimmick controller back pretty far. The first that comes to mind is the Nintendo Power Glove, which totally lived up to the hype as being so bad. You could argue that the original Nintendo light gun was a part of this trope too, but.... shut up. The Nintendo light gun was rad!

The point of this series is to examine gimmicks and my opinions on how they have effected the video gaming industry.

Chapter 1. The Destroyer of Immersion

The Nintendo Wii was a curse on gaming. Despite the Nintendo DS coming out two years before, at very least they had their share of core games that mostly overlooked the crappy stylus touch screen. If this is seeming like a huge hatefest on the house that Mario built, it kinda is. For a gamer who grew up in the late 80s and early 90s, nothing could be considered more of a betrayal than having the people who introduced my young mind to that awesome little grey box and showed me what video gaming is, tell me that they didn't want my money any more. They only wanted cool-people-who-don't-play-game's money. It's like having your childhood best friend, stop hanging out with you, because he wants to hang out with the cool kids who smoke out behind the school because they want to catch a girls attention. Seriously Nintendo, whatever happened to bros before hoes!

As much as Nintendo's actions hurt me, it didn't seem to hurt them. They were rewarded for substituting controlling the character you are playing as with trying to make the character do the damn attack that he did last time you swung your arm that way. This was good, because those cool kids that they wanted to win over didn't want immersion anyway, and the game developers knew it. Thus came the age of shovel-ware. For those of you who aren't in the gaming know, shovel-ware means exactly what it sounds like. These big game companies just kept shovelling out the most effortless, terrible games you could ever find. Carnival Games is NOT gonna stand the test of time. Nintendo also tried to appeal to people who wanted to get in better shape with the Wii fit. This was a great idea, as every grandmother wants to use the Wii fit, until they have it and have used it for a month. Then it sits and collects dust.

This was the trend for the Wii. Play it for a month, at most, and then leave it sitting there. I have turned my Wii on once in the last year and a half. The experience played out by me first looking on my shelf and noticing a Zelda game up there. Then I took a mental nostalgia trip and remembered the great Zelda music and experiences that I've had during my life. Next, I grabbed the case, extracted the disc and inserted it into the Wii. Then I got my TV ready to play the Wii again (not difficult, just switched it to component 2). Finally I picked up the Wiimote and pressed the button to turn it on. The batteries were dead again. They are dead every time I try to play it, even though I put brand new batteries in it every time I try to play it, which I did yet again. Great, I finally am ready to play, so I grab my Wiimote and Nunchuk and go to start the game when I realize, I don't feel like swinging my arms around with this stupid controller. So  I shut it off, and play Darksiders instead, as it's very close to a Zelda game, but with good controls.

Finally, in recent years, the Wii has begun to burn out badly. All of the shovel-ware pushed the gamers away, and the casual gamers that they recruited, weren't interested in buying lots of games. They just wanted a few to play with their friends. Nintendo has alienated all of the people with money to spend and now they want to win it back. Seeing the big fat man from Nintendo come out on stage and say something to the effect of, ok, the Wii wasn't for you, but our next system is. In fact, to show you how serious we are about you, we are calling it the Wii U. Face-palms were heard around the world and their stocks fell in a remarkable way. Sorry Nintendo, we aren't being fooled this time, with your new, even more gimmicky controller.

Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception (PS3, 2011)

Drake's deception indeed. It seems that the deception here is that no one seemed to care about this game after it came out. I don't know what to say, but it's a very big deal! You'd be crazy not to play it.

First off, the elephant in the room needs to be acknowledged. Uncharted 2 was wonderful and ground breaking, so Uncharted 3 didn't have much chance of meeting the grand scale expectations laid before it. The kicker here, however is that, despite a few little issues, that I will discuss, I think Uncharted 3 was just as much of an advancement in the series as Uncharted 2 was.

Personally, I do try to avoid spoilers whenever possible, so while you won't have to worry about that, I may explain big action events in the game that you may want to experience before hearing about them. In which case, go play it now!

Uncharted 3 does the interactive action movie experience, better than any other game ever has. It goes deeper into the characters mythos, explains his relationships further and has a secondary plot that you can't help caring about because of Uncharted 2. Plus, it looks so good, it's amazing.

The biggest complaint that I'm seeing about this game, is that the ending leaves you exactly where Uncharted 2 did. I don't think this is the case. This game is all about Drake evolving his relationships with people and trying to deal with his fears of letting people be too close. He relies heavily on only one person, good ol' Sully, who has always been like a father to him. The issue there is that he is taking Sully a bit for granted, and it feels to me like Sully, is starting to realize that he won't be able to go adventuring forever. This game is about Drake confronting his fear of loss and Sully not wanting Nathan to be alone after he's gone. At least, that's what I got from it.

This game isn't completely perfect however. In particular, the first quarter of the game lacks something. Perhaps it's too serious or perhaps it's just not exciting enough. I really couldn't figure out what the issue was, but I know what fixed it. The second Elena show's up, this game just feels right again. As great as all of the other characters were, this whole series has been built upon Drake and Elena's back and forth banter. Another let down, that has been consistent throughout most of this series is the final battle. It wasn't terrible, it just felt a little rushed, despite being pretty fun.

Now, another huge complaint that I have seen multiple times, is that this one character shows up, captures you and basically has a whole sequence where you have to escape a cruise ship. The complaint is that this whole sequence, on a narrative level could have been erased and we wouldn't have known. It was honestly an excuse for a remarkable action beat. The thing is, however, that this action beat is amazing! Sure I wish they tied it on a little better, but it isn't like it didn't work with the story. The person who captures you explains why he captured you in a very plausible way and though it could have been removed without noticing, it doesn't in any way hurt the narrative. In fact, after it's over, I felt it strengthened the scene right after.

This game is a masterpiece of imagination. The action sequences are things that I would never have thought possible in any medium, let alone one where you are being interactive with it. Whether it be surviving a plane crash, a burning building, a flipping cruise ship or getting lost in the desert, it is a unique experience that you couldn't find anywhere else.

The controls are pretty much the exact same as ever, which is great, but with the addition of the ability to pick up enemy grenades and throw them back. Some have been complaining about the shooting feeling different. I don't know if that's true, but I was able to pull off 5 headshots in a row first try, so, I don't see the point of complaining. The custom animations are great, and the sequences where certain characters are drugged and the world around them is going trippy and bizarre are really creative.

Uncharted 3 is an amazing feat! It took what I love about the series and turned it up to 11. Great job Naughty Dog! I honestly LOVE this game.

The multiplayer on the other hand is wonderful too. It has a coop mode, which can be done in split screen or online, or the ol' team death match kinda thing. I played it for about 2 hours, which for me is a huge deal when it comes to online play. I enjoy how there are treasures to find during the combat, that are worth a bunch of money so you can upgrade your weapons. Uncharted controls + death match = makes sense. Take note assassin's creed. Dumbing down your controls for death matches is NOT a good idea.

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood (PS3/X360, 2010)

I love Assassin's Creed 2! That game does it all. It starts you off at birth, and takes you near the end of Ezio's story. When they announced Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, I was sceptical. Great, I thought, they are doing spin-offs already. After playing some of Assassin's Creed Bloodlines on the PSP, I've seen how non interesting that can be. Then, they announced online multiplayer. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I can't stress enough, that not all games need online multiplayer!!! Dead Space does not need multiplayer, Resident Evil does not need multiplayer and above all else, Assassin's Creed REALLY doesn't need multiplayer. I decided, I wouldn't purchase this game, on grounds that I'll wait for Assassin's Creed 3. After all, to me, Desmond Miles is what the Assassin's Creed series revolves around. Altair and Ezio from the first two games, were just parts of the story and I felt they were done.

Well, that was all well and good, until the game was about to come out, and all of the critics were raving about how great the multiplayer was, and how the single player campaign itself was actually greatly improved. My love for Assassin's Creed 2 got the best of me, so alas, I went out there and got it. One year later, the wicked Assassin's Creed Revelations trailer made me feel like playing it. Here's how that went.

Assassin's Creed Brotherhood is in no way shape or form better than Assassin's Creed 2. Assassin's Creed 2 from start to finish feels like something special, while Brotherhood feels like something extra. They added a few neat features, like being able to call in assassin's to take care of enemies at almost any time, but the game just reeked of being a cash grab. The narrative, which is something this series has been really going above and beyond on, is very much a secondary thing too. Here's the summary of the plot. Those darn inbred Borgias are bad...lets make an army of assassins to stop them. Only in the last minutes does this game do anything interesting, by taking a large step in the story of Desmond, leading to a cliffhanger ending.

If I was ranking this game as an average game, I would say it's pretty good. It definitely is. However, it has to be judged on the entire Assassin's Creed series as a whole. Brotherhood, to me, felt pretty half assed, and lacked the excitement of the previous two. Sadly, though, this disappointment doesn't end there.

Multiplayer in this game is abysmal. I tried hard to get into it, being a fan of the Assassin's Creed controls, but somehow they took those controls out and made it into a yawn inducing game of tag. You want to fight someone else? No can do, you just get to tap the kill button. Oh no, someone is trying to kill you. Do you try to fight back? Nope, the game won't give you the option. You need to run away. The whole thing felt a little too situational for me, and so I was only able to stand through 3 full death-matches before shutting Assassin's Creed Brotherhood off, forever.

This game really hurt this series, and if I didn't buy Revelations before playing through Brotherhood, I probably wouldn't have bought it at all. I only recommend this game to people who need to see where the storyline is going, otherwise Assassin's Creed 2 will give you all of the joy you'll ever need from the series, for under ten bucks.

This is not nearly as fun as it looks.

Spare Parts (PSN/XBLA, 2011)

I picked up Spare Parts a while back because it lured me in with a few key words that always grab my attention: couch coop and Simon Pegg. If there is anything I love in this world, it's hanging with friends, playing a game...in the same room. This game offered it, and only cost 10 bucks so I figured 'why not?'

The story is pretty unimportant but charming. You play as two robots who, on a deserted planet find a talking space ship (voiced wonderfully by Simon Pegg) who crash landed and needs you to find his missing parts that have been scattered all over the place. There is also some bad guy in space who decides to try to destroy you. They don't really go into that part of the story at all, but of course you have to thwart his evil ass in the end.

Early on, I had to say, this game was horrible. In particular the platforming was the issue. Trying to jump from one place to another without just falling to your death was nearly an impossibility. Fortunately it looked like the game designers discovered that fact and made it so you can never die. Ok, you die, but you just reappear a few feet away from where you die and continue as though nothing happened.

The combat is pretty standard, though it does eventually degenerate to tapping the attack button over and over again, which gets pretty tedious. There are also a few puzzles to be found in the game, most of which are a matter of pushing something somewhere or sticking your hand in a device. Not too much innovation to be found anywhere. The only thing that kept this game afloat until the end was that the designers managed to come up with a really fun and easy going personality for the game. A personal favorite feature of mine is that, if you are low on health, just face your partner and if you both double jump in the air at the same time, you will do an epic air high five and restore some health in both of you.

The game was bland and pretty much completely underwhelming, until later in the game when you get some rocket boots. That's when it got moderately enjoyable. Flying around the screen, even if only temporary was quite a bit of fun. I also enjoy that you are able to upgrade your various action parts, like your power punch or rocket boots. Alas, the upgrades hardly make any difference.

Overall, the game isn't great. I wouldn't even call it good sadly. At 10 dollars for a 4 hour long video game, I can't recommend it...unless you like trophy or achievement hunting. It's pretty insane for that. Hang in there Simon Pegg. You'll find better games to be in eventually, I promise.

I love this man!

Top 5 for 2011...sorta

2011 was a remarkable year for games. So much greatness came out, so here is my list of the top 5 best of them....

That's what I was hoping to say by now, but truth be told, for me 2011 was a year of playing catchup. I played dozens of games that have been sitting on my shelf for years. Whether it be Disgaea 2 (which took a lot of time) or going back and playing Dragon Age Origins again, I kept busy. So, instead, I'm gonna show the world the  games I haven't yet played and feel that I need to play before I can make the top 5 list.

Dark Souls - Demon's souls was the best. I played it through many times since it came out, and I'm sure I'll play it again. My best friend keeps coming to me raving about how satisfying Dark Souls has been for him. I'm pretty jealous. Soon my friend...soon.

Skyrim - Yeah, everyone loves Skyrim, but my Skyrim is even better than yours. My beautiful girlfriend bought it for me. Not for Christmas either. She just wanted me to have it. I know this game is a huge deal, so don't worry about it. I'll jump on it soon.

Uncharted 3 - I'm working on this one right now. The fact that this hasn't made very many top 5 or even top 10 lists is blowing my mind. I'll be writing a full review of this one when I'm done with it.

Infamous 2 - After the pure lust I had for the first one after playing it, I need to play this one. I can't wait to hover around over buildings with lightning power! So much fun. The only question is, will I be a superhero or a supervillain. Right up my alley!

Gears of War 3 - I'm sure it looks like I only play PS3 games, but that's not true. I also play good Xbox 360 games. Sadly, there aren't so many these days. As of now I'm at the beginning of act 3 of this bad boy and I'm eager to finish it and discuss it in great detail. I am playing this one in split screen coop with my best friend. That's how we have played through the whole series thus far. I enjoy that.

and finally...

Deus Ex: Human Revolution - This game just looks too great not to be playing. As I said, I played a lot of catchup this year. A large part of that was playing the hell out of the original Deus Ex. Though it is dated severely, I was thrilled with many of the design choices. I can't wait to see how this series has evolved in all of these years.

So, rest assured, I will get to it...but with both Skyrim and Dark Souls on that list...it could take a bit. I also really want to play Dragon Age II (despite the reviews). It's gonna be a busy year of gaming, and I'm a lucky man for being able to experience it. I also want to note, that while the new Zelda looks really nice, I won't play it, because I hate using the wii controls. No matter how I try, I don't enjoy swinging my arms around to play games.

Tomb Raider: Underworld (PS3/X360, 2008)

The saying goes, that you can't judge a book by it's cover. This is usually a truth, however, can the same be said about video games?

I give you exhibit A. Tomb Raider: Underworld.

What does this cover tell me about this game? There are no brains... The entire thing is cashing in on the chesty protagonist's body...there are guns in it... that's pretty much it. Sadly, that sums it up perfectly.

This game was recently given away for free via the Playstation plus membership. Ooh boy...was that overpriced. This game is a train wreck.

Historically speaking, I have never been able to tolerate the Tomb Raider series, due to it's archaic control schemes, terrible camera angles and dull combat. To make matters worse, I've always found the stories and dialogue to be written as though by a terribly stupid person, who was trying to sound brilliant. By the way, the British accent hasn't helped with that.

So, what exactly is wrong with this game. First off, you'll notice that the old school method of control has been kicked out. This is a good step. Back in the day, you would press the up button to move forward, no matter which way you were facing. It was stiff and terrible. Many games used to do this, but thankfully that went away. I figured that now that I could actually move the character around easier everything would be fixed. Unfortunately the game saw fit to make the camera brutally destroy everything I tried to do, by trying to zoom in on...or inside Lara's curvaceous buttocks. Believe me, this isn't as awesome as it sounds. There were instances where I could only see her feet at the top of the screen because the camera lost me. There were moments (every 15 seconds or so) where I would get stuck partially in a wall and I'd have to tap all of the buttons until I rolled out of the 'death trap'. 

Shooting is another fundamental game play disaster. You can't actually aim your weapons...at least not accurately. It auto aims only. So basically, just keep tapping the "auto aim" button and shoot at stuff. Don't even bother looking at it. It's lazy. It's not like Uncharted: Drakes Fortune wasn't out when this game came out. Heck, Uncharted 2 was halfway completed when this game came out. That's just sad.

Graphically, the game isn't too bad. It looks pretty neat, and takes you to lots of interesting places. I have fallen through many great looking floors, via glitches.

The story is negligible, with an evil version of Lara showing up to...shoot and kill an important character and burn down her house. That's a pretty big thing right? Not really. The plot advances and Lara reacts to all of this like she just dropped an Eggo on the floor. Then again, it's very hard to believe in the seriousness in the story with Lara is talking to her 'cool black friend' named Zip, and her right arm is sticking through her torso and out from her left underarm for the entire cut scene. Apparently no one tested this game at all...

A great way to sum up how much of a let-down this game is, is to describe the "kraken" in the game. So during the very first mission, Lara stumbles upon a badass giant kraken, just laying in water minding his own business. So, instead of having a fun battle or anything ambitious at all (seriously Kratos would jump in that water and wreck that kraken.). We get to climb around the room (what we've been doing the whole time anyway) and release a chandelier to fall on its head and kill it. Did I mention that the kraken is just hanging out the whole time, minding it's business? Hooray Lara! Kill that endangered creature! Fuck biology!

There is a lot to talk about when describing what is wrong with this game, but nothing sums out it's failure like the new Tomb Raider reboot coming out soon. Apparently someone realized that Tomb Raider could be better than it is. The time of big boobs selling video games is (hopefully) over. Tomb Raider in it's current form can not survive. It's time to bring something unique. It's time to adapt to modern gaming. It's time to realize that a woman can't swim as fast as a shark...

This game blows. I'm gonna go play Uncharted 3.

The McDonald's breakfast conundrum

Everyone, on some level, loves McDonald's breakfast. For me, nothing starts the day quite like a Sausage and Egg Breakfast Biscuit, a hash brown, and about 12 large double double coffees. The way I see it, as long as you aren't doing it every day, it's not bad for you...

So today, after getting my cholesterol checked at the hospital, I decided that it was time to eat something more healthy. Not really, instead I flipped my cholesterol the bird and went to get some delicious Rotten Ronny Breakfast. They serve breakfast until 11 and it was 10:40, so no problem there, right? Today I want to address something that I know everyone has at one point experienced. We have all at one point craved the deliciousness that is an egg mcmuffin and realized that it was too late to have one. Well today, I learned that "we serve breakfast until 11" means, we serve breakfast until about quarter to 11. The girl at McDonald's even acknowledged that it was quarter to 11, but they decided to stop making stuff. I witnessed, not 1, but 3 cars drive away from the McDonald's drive through today, because they decided to stop early. My question is this. Is breakfast really such a hard meal to make? Tim Horton's can make breakfast until noon, maybe it's time to compete. With McDonald's making great coffee these days, you would think that competing with Tim Horton's is a part of the business plan. Then again, what can you expect, when your CEO looks like this guy....

"Smug son of a bitch"

This pissed me off so much, that I refuse to eat at McDonald's for the rest of week...it's Friday...that should be doable. Uh...I need a hug.

Why limit your cinematic joy?

I am not a film snob. Let me make that clear. I love great movies, but I also love fun movies. For fun I decided to look back on recent orders from Amazon to see my odd methods of purchasing Blu rays.

Most Recently, I ordered The Seventh Seal (Criterion Blu-Ray) and...The Expendables... seriously.

Prior to that I ordered 8 1/2 (Criterion Blu-Ray), If... (Criterion Blu-Ray), The Fountain (Blu Ray) and.... The Gamera Trilogy.

Why am I telling you this? I want to promote being a non snobbish film viewer. It's ok to enjoy a guy in a rubber turtle suit beat the snot out some other monster while towering over Japan. Just because you can appreciate great cinema, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to enjoy the little things. I'm not saying don't hate movies though. Just don't hate movies for being less intelligent than movies that people respect.

For the record though, Godzilla movies are the best! Godzilla vs. Destoroyah is damn fine cinema!

Much love!

Two PandaPack videos I always hated.

I watched these two videos that we shot a few years ago again today. In the past, they were videos I didn't enjoy, but somehow today, I can honestly say I enjoy them.

I present thepandapack 1 year anniversary special. (in two parts). This is the final instalment of the ill fated Panda Pack.

Happy 2012 people.