Conan The Barbarian (1982)

I don't claim to be a love guru, but if there is one thing every guy knows, it is that there is nothing better than eating spicy food and watching a badass action movie with your best gal! This is how I spent my Sunday night. What movie did we watch you ask? Seriously? Didn't you read the title? For crying out loud, just scroll up a bit. Yup, Conan the Barbarian.

Now keep in mind, I had seen it before, many times actually. Let's face it, you don't get this manly by not watching Conan. So this is my take on the movie when trying to figure out what it is I love so much about it.

Trying to pick out the specific reason why this movie is so special is tough, but I think I've got it. It is a fantasy in the most classic sense. Like a game of D&D it is all about different characters forming a party and going on an adventure to kill evil Mr. Darth Snake-man. In todays day and age, we would make a movie like that light hearted and market it to younger boys, but this movie came before Hollywood became a bunch of pussies. Make no mistake, this movie is totally for little boys, but in a more secret sort of way. Think of it in the simplest way. A huge muscle man with a huge sword slashes tons of shit. He goes on an epic adventure with a bunch of really cool friends he meets along the way and sees a load of boobs while doing it. Tell me if you can think of a more accurate depiction of what a 14 year old wants to see and I'll call you a liar.

Sadly, I'm no longer 14, so why do I like this movie ao much at nearly double that age? It's simple really when you look at it. The movie is made as a great classic. What do I mean by that? Despite some hilariously bad bloopers that made it into the movie, it feels like a completely serious epic. The music is old school epic ala Ben Hur or something of that ilk. Never is the movie in a rush or worried about keeping your attention. Conan's story is interesting and the movie itself believes in that, allowing it to take the time to give you proper atmosphere. Also James Earl Jones is incredible as the villain. He's legitimately bad and you really believe he could do anything.

It pleases me to say my better half claims she didn't like it, but was totally out for blood by the end of it. She was actually cheering for Conan to kill Thulsa and actually said "nooo, cut his head off!" when Conan hesitates. Based on this I say the movie proves it's effectiveness and I give it 4.5 punched out camels out of 5.

Army of Darkness Defense Review (iPhone)

Let me first say Bruce Campbell is an example of everything that is right with the world. As young filmmakers, the influence of the Evil Dead movies was very easy to see in most of our projects. I even recall modifying my voice for a few months to sound more Bruce like. I can proudly brag about having watched Evil Dead more than any other movie, and absolutely noticing every bizarre little quirk or flaw in the movie. That said, Army of Darkness was always my favorite of the three. It feels good to watch. It's epic and fun. Unfortunately the Evil Dead franchise has never been put to use to make a good video game. Why not? Ash is way more badass than Duke Nukem who gets all blurry eyed after only one beer (pussy). He was primed and ready to be in a great video game, but I guess it wasn't meant to be... until a cool guy from work told me about a game called Army of Darkness Defense for iOS.

Trying to explain how this game works is difficult. You play as the chin himself, as he tries to defend the Necronomicon from endless waves of fearsome deadites. Armed only with your faithful broomstick and your robotic fist (upgradeable to a chainsaw) you fight to overcome overwhelming odds. Thankfully, the game is a 2d style real time strategy game mixed with tower defense elements and you can call in waves of your own soldiers to fight along side you. You get to call on some of your favorite Army of Darkness characters as they deal devastating damage, like Henry the Red and King Arthur. Even the Wiseman comes out and heals you. Also, it's not just a matter of punching and shooting. You have badass special attacks, like a special boomstick blast, the infamous wrong book from the movie (the book that swallows Ash) and even the crushing Deathcoaster.

The game is 50 levels long with a few special enemies along the way and the last wave is a worthy final boss stage. When every wave ends you take all of your money that was dropped from the enemies and use it to upgrade either yourself, your special moves, your troops, or even the castle itself. Also pleasantly enough, if you die half way through a stage, you still get the gold that you picked up enabling you to upgrade further and perhaps win it next time.

Best of all, the game is filled with sound bites and music directly from the movie. All of your favorite Army of Darkness lines are in there. I even heard Ash call the Wiseman spinach chin.

The movie is special because it's genuinely fun and full of energy. This game keeps that tradition alive in both of those respects, but never settles for just being a movie tie in game. In this case, a rose by any other name would still smell just as sweet.

Army of Darkness Defense is as of my posting this, free on the app store with the option of microtransactions within. I don't care if you like the movie or not, you will enjoy this game. Shop smart...