Conan The Barbarian (1982)

I don't claim to be a love guru, but if there is one thing every guy knows, it is that there is nothing better than eating spicy food and watching a badass action movie with your best gal! This is how I spent my Sunday night. What movie did we watch you ask? Seriously? Didn't you read the title? For crying out loud, just scroll up a bit. Yup, Conan the Barbarian.

Now keep in mind, I had seen it before, many times actually. Let's face it, you don't get this manly by not watching Conan. So this is my take on the movie when trying to figure out what it is I love so much about it.

Trying to pick out the specific reason why this movie is so special is tough, but I think I've got it. It is a fantasy in the most classic sense. Like a game of D&D it is all about different characters forming a party and going on an adventure to kill evil Mr. Darth Snake-man. In todays day and age, we would make a movie like that light hearted and market it to younger boys, but this movie came before Hollywood became a bunch of pussies. Make no mistake, this movie is totally for little boys, but in a more secret sort of way. Think of it in the simplest way. A huge muscle man with a huge sword slashes tons of shit. He goes on an epic adventure with a bunch of really cool friends he meets along the way and sees a load of boobs while doing it. Tell me if you can think of a more accurate depiction of what a 14 year old wants to see and I'll call you a liar.

Sadly, I'm no longer 14, so why do I like this movie ao much at nearly double that age? It's simple really when you look at it. The movie is made as a great classic. What do I mean by that? Despite some hilariously bad bloopers that made it into the movie, it feels like a completely serious epic. The music is old school epic ala Ben Hur or something of that ilk. Never is the movie in a rush or worried about keeping your attention. Conan's story is interesting and the movie itself believes in that, allowing it to take the time to give you proper atmosphere. Also James Earl Jones is incredible as the villain. He's legitimately bad and you really believe he could do anything.

It pleases me to say my better half claims she didn't like it, but was totally out for blood by the end of it. She was actually cheering for Conan to kill Thulsa and actually said "nooo, cut his head off!" when Conan hesitates. Based on this I say the movie proves it's effectiveness and I give it 4.5 punched out camels out of 5.