Here comes the change.

I did not get the job I really wanted. Naturally that turn of events knocked me on my ass pretty hard, but with that failure came a huge burst of positive energy, thanks in no small part to my badass vacation a few days later to a wonderful magical place called Caraquet. I came back strong, determined, and ready to crush the insubordination of the world around me into diamond.

Alas, at this point I can't make any announcements, but know that big things are coming friends. Things that may make this blog and possibly other mysterious blogs, take on a whole new significance. I'm picking up steam and can't be stopped.

My Netflix Activities - August 28th 2011

When Netflix first came to Canada it was only good for one thing. Mad Men. Sadly, to date I've only just made it to season 4, not because I don't like the show, but because my girlfriend is up to date on it and she's always around, hogging my free time!

Basically, her and I have been watching so many movies on there that I feel like I could be using it to take up some space on my blog. However, most movies on Netflix that I'm watching really aren't destination movies to read reviews about. So what I want to do is for the most part just write a quick blurb about some movies I've caught on Netflix. Quick reviews for things that are on there.

Mirrors (2008)

I've never watched 24, so I didn't care that Keifer Sutherland was in this movie, but I am a pretty big fan of Alexandre Aja, whom I would name the ballsiest horror filmmaker in this day and age. He seems to take genuine joy dealing with really nasty emotions.

The plot of Mirrors is that there is something evil in mirrors and it kills you. One man tries to stop it, and you get a pretty typical twist, that really is brilliant when compared to every other horror movie ending in this day and age. This movie is flat out gory, and as they advertised it so strongly, it may not shock you to hear that the scene where Sarah Polly rips her own jaw off, is really discomforting and thus very successful. It's not too bad, and worth a watch. However, given the choice, I'd watch anything else Aja has made, such as The Hills Have Eyes remake or Haute Tension AKA High Tension.

Carriers (2009)

Chris Pine is cool. Piper Perabo is hot. EVERYONE is stupid. This is a movie about a plague that overcomes most of the human population. We follow a small group of people who we are supposed to believe were smart enough to survive when no one else did, and then they take off their breathing masks at the drop of a hat constantly. Any guesses what happens? It's a shame, because it really could have been played with a strange sense of beauty as it's almost a road trip movie, between two brothers trying to go where they were happy when they were kids, but that didn't really happen. Not a great movie, not even a good movie really, but watchable.

This Film Is Not Yet Rated (2006)

There are a lot of documentaries worth watching on Netflix. This one really isn't needed unless my next statement is shocking in any way to you. Movies with sex in them are almost always treated more harshly than movies with violence. If this is a new idea, you need to see this now! If it's an observation you made when you were 12, like I did, just move on. I swear, it's mostly about a private detective talking about how she is a lesbian and can't be any other way. That's a great sentiment, but again, I know.

Cropsey (2009)

Now this is an example of a better documentary you could be watching. On one hand, you could say this is a movie about a strange series of child killings, which it is, or you could say it's about two young people trying really hard to make a successful documentary. I found both levels to be compelling. I don't know who the filmmakers were, but it felt like they were probably fresh out of film school and trying to make a name for themselves, however what's interesting to me was that they found themselves involved in something much bigger than the both of them. It's interesting also to see varying opinions presented that make sense so you are left with inconclusive feelings of whether a certain person is a child killer or not. That's scary stuff! Really interesting and very worthwhile.

I've watched a lot more than that recently and will write about them at some point, but I just wanted to drop a few of them on you for now, so let me know what you think of this, possibly reoccurring thing, and if you've seen some great stuff (like Dear Zachary) on Netflix, or even just pretty good stuff, please post it in the comments and I'll check it out!

The T-Shirt Crisis

This just in! I'm writing a fashion blog now!! After all, I'm something of a fashion icon in my own right. I'm known for wearing my comfy jeans and plain t-shirts. Ideally my t-shirts have nothing on them, as I don't feel I should be paying money to advertise for others. That said, I would gladly accept money to market your product on a t-shirt, given it is a decent product or if the money is good!

Recently, I went up to the better mall in my city in a time killing quest. My friend and I had just finished Conan The Barbarian and I had some time to kill before work. Suddenly it hit me that maybe I'd like a new shirt. However, if there is one thing that I've realized about this world, it is that if I like something, somebody has to screw it up for me.

WARNING: THE IMAGES POSTED BELOW MAY BE DISTURBING, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

EXIBIT A: UNDEAD STUFF

Oh good! I remember a time when zombies were something only the, so called, misfits and strange people talked about. As usual, like all things good, eventually, mainstream society discovered that zombies were really interesting and brought them in. Unfortunately, that is never where it ends though. Those damn hipsters have to change the beloved formerly nerdy things and in no time at all, you end up with overplayed fads, ruining what we had for so long, before them. They decided that they could make zombies something that would be able to be thrown in anywhere for comedy. These shirts are not funny. 

I probably should have taken the time to take the pictures of the other zombie shirts in this place too. Seriously, when you have a selection of 4-8 zombie joke shirts, you are seriously crossing some lines!

Also, those (classic literature) with zombies books, can seriously go pound sand!

EXIBIT B: BAD DUDEZ

Ah, now this I can get behind. Perhaps I'll buy one, wear it to the bars, act like I have a barely double digit rating on the IQ scale and instantly pick up an underage girl. I think that's called being a douche. These shirts would totally help me master that.

In fact, what the hell are these shirts anyway? They kinda look like ink blots if you think about it. For fun, next time you are out and some guy wearing one of these walks by, tell them you want to try to analyze their shirt. Relax your eyes for a minute, really look at the strange symbols, and then say. Nope, I still only see a douchebag. If you do this and you are a girl, then you should be fine, but if you are a guy, be careful. Chances are, if they are wearing a shirt like this, they still react like their neanderthal predecessor (whom they seem to admire so much), and you will be promptly clubbed.

What's the point of having TAPOUT written on your shirt anyway? Are you trying to walk around and tell the world I'm a super badass fighter, no one can beat me." Again, unless you are an MMA fighter with T-shirts that have your own name on them, you look like a twat. In fact, even under that pretense, you look like a twat.

The sad thing is that these are both from two different stores in the mall. The ONLY two stores that carry shirts for regular, non hipster, guys who can grow facial hair. Now I have no where to buy a decent t-shirt. This is a serious problem! Honestly, what would Marlon Brando say?

Well said, good sir! Well said indeed!

Tekken (2010)

Historically speaking, there haven't been many moments in my life that have been more fun than playing Tekken Tag Tournement for PS2, with my best friend Clayton. In fact, the only thing more fun than playing 'Tekken Tag', has proven to be making obscure references to the game. So when I heard they were making a movie of Tekken I knew it was something I had to see, despite probably screwed on the basis of video game movie history, but if they wanted to make it work there was just one simple key, simplicity.

The Tekken games are pretty basic and not terribly storyline driven, at least not so much that it's hard to keep up. Basically there is a big Corporation called the Mishima-Zaibatsu, and it's run by a CEO so badass that he opts to have a big tournament, called the King of the Iron Fists tournament, I believe, and whoever wins it, takes over Mishima-Zaibatsu. I don't know about you, but I call that badass. In fact, some day I'll have a tournament, called the Boss of Exploding Laser Dragonz tournament, and the winner gets this blog for themselves! Sweet! Anyway, back on track, it's just a tournament storyline, where each character has their own motivation for wanting to win. for a movie this can work great too! See Jean Claude Van Damme's awesome Bloodsport for a good example of a tournament movie handled right!

So…eugh… ok here's the movie's plot. The worlds governments have fallen, and large corporations have stepped up to take control of certain regions of the world. Forget about that though, because the other corporations are not really mentioned again. Anyway, the corporation known as Tekken, which of course is based in Tekken City, decides to start a tournament called Tekken, where the prize is… like a….um…. a free coffee at your nearest Tim Horton's. I dunno, it could be. We never really find out. Heihachi, the badass leader of the, um… Tekken corporation, talks about how important the tournament is a lot, and…uh… well his son Kazuya, who is NOTHING like Kazuya in the games, really wants to get high ratings. So basically, Tekken tournament is like a UFC thing or something.

The saddest thing is, that many of the characters look EXACTLY like their video game counterparts, which is unheard of. When I first saw previews, I kinda got excited. Check out these comparison photos of Jin and Bryan.

Isn't that nuts. They look almost exactly right, but Jin isn't anything like in the game. He's a rotten bastard. Very early on we see him walking around being extreme and stuff, and then he meets up with his girlfriend and making passionate whoopee, then minutes later he goes and gets into the tournament and is making out with and trying to sex up a different character later that night. What's really heart breaking about this is that it keeps cutting to his little girlfriend watching him on a big screen and cheering for him. So much for our honourable main character!

Worst of all for me they turned my favourite character Kazuya into just a plain old villain. What I love about the character is that he's a hardened badass, with no capacity for bullshit. Yes he is sorta villainous too, but you probably would be too, if your father threw your five year old ass into a volcano! They go with every stereotype possible to make him villainous. Big twist, Kazuya is Jin's father! In the games the impregnation happened at a time when he wasn't yet being controlled by a certain gene that fills him with rage. I picture that being an honest relationship that fell apart because of what he started to become. This idea is more tragic than the movie's decision to have him apparently rape Jin's mother and make a joke about it, with his stupid mirror universe goatee. You turned my favourite character into a rapist, seriously, fuck you!

So, I've laid out the bad, but is there any good? Sure. This movie is so stupid, it's wonderful. Think of movies like The Room and Birdemic. It's a great movie to get a bunch of friends together and talk over. I mean it's really really stupid, and terribly conceived. Mix the awful writing with the great fight scenes and you have a relatively worthwhile movie, as long as you are expecting the right things. Another thing that must be seen to be believed is the amazing amount of ass cleavage. If you see this movie you'll know what I'm talking about pretty quick. Wow. 

As a movie, it's a lark, but as a Tekken movie, it's about as accurate as the Super Mario Brothers movie…yikes! Watch…but watch with caution!

Conan The Barbarian (2011)

Everybody knows I love 1982's Conan the Barbarian, and if you claim you don't know that, then you haven't read my retrospective on why I love Conan the Barbarian (1982). Walking in, I understood that this movie wouldn't be like the one I grew up with, and somehow I was ok with that. I instead chose to judge this as a tale of a badass barbarian who goes on some sort of quest and kicks teeth down people's throats.

First off, let it be said that this Conan movie is in no way shape or form trying to be the old Conan movie. It is starting over from scratch, with a new Conan, played by young actor Jason Momoa, and a brand new tone that also, in it's own way, reflects the stories that it is based on. Usually, when I talk about a "reboot" that makes things younger and hipper, I react with rage from the depths of my gut, but this movie was a pleasant surprise.

The new Conan may not evolve as much, nor is his origin quite as tragic as the original, but he is true to the source in character, as in, he's a big, powerful barbarian with heart. There is a part earlier on in which Conan and his posse attack a bunch of slavers and free all of their slaves, who are almost entirely made up of being hot topless women. They ask, "where are we supposed to go now?" and Conan smiles and it cuts to him partying with a bunch of topless women. It's just weird to see Conan so happy. Fortunately the movie moves past that quickly and gets back on track. One interesting thing in this version of Conan was that he wasn't the strongest character in the movie, so much as the most persistent. This was a nice change, and I feel it shows that he would probably be a more believable king than Arnold's version. I also feel that it is important to mention that Jason Momoa's Conan voice is probably dark and growly enough to make Kevin Conroy shudder…in a good way.

One great thing this movie had going for it, was Ron Perlman playing Conan's father. Ron Perlman is awesome, and thus being the essential motivation for everything Conan does, it really helps me buy into the whole movie. 

Unsurprisingly, you'll find the plot especially negligible, however this is not a breaking point for the movie. The villains are bad, the hero is badass and anything else doesn't really matter in the whole scheme of things. 

The biggest flaw overall though, would have to be the editing in the respect that it cuts poorly between shots where people are standing and then leaning on things. In fact, one part later in the movie involving a chopped off hand and person kicked off of a high platform, sorta felt to me like the movie forgot what it was supposed to show next, only to remember. The sound didn't connect either at that part. Let's be honest, this movie isn't the pinacle of all things filmmaking.

My favourite thing this movie had going for it was that the sound was hilariously blasted. Not the music, just the impact noises. There is a part where a small egg falls into a puddle and I swear it sounds like a Greyhound bus crashing into an Army tank! Later, someone throws a sword at Conan and when he catches it, the only place I could imagine them getting the sound effect, was from a wrecking ball smashing a Helicopter out of the sky. The impact noises got to be so loud at times that I kept laughing out loud. It really does sound like a complaint, but it's not. I haven't laughed so hard at a movie in a long time! Intentional or not, it was bliss!

It's not the best movie, but it feeds my need for good fight scenes, which you rarely get these days. It's fun and perfect for a wind down and relax movie. If the thought of a barbarian smashing waves of people with his gigantic sword is appealing to you, then go for it! If you are gonna watch it, watch it in theatre, or at least make sure you have a crazy surround system if you are gonna watch it at home. This is not a movie to stand the test of time, like it's 29 year old counterpart, but it is a movie that is fun to watch.

The Pursuit of Happiness

This post has nothing to do with the Will Smith movie, but everything to do with the bright hopeful smile in the picture below.

You see, I'm currently on the quest for a new job, a new future and a new thang. So I don't have time for a good post today, aside from what you're seeing. However on the subject of a new thing, I want to show you a video to hopefully keep your mind occupied enough not to realize that I just posted to tell you I can't post. So watch it!

Supermarket Books - The Return

In the past I've been known to talk about a serious concern in the world today... The Supermarket book. Today I let my inner kindness get the best of me as I finally decided I have to read the last one I was given.

The book is Wicked Prey by John Sandford, and you will be thrilled to see on the cover that it's presented for the "FIRST TIME IN PAPER BACK".

If you are wondering why I am writing yet another post about this subject, it's because it's easy. Hell, this book is writing it for me. I haven't even started reading it yet but how could it be bad?

The St. Louis Dispatch calls it, "A...wham-bam tale" and Publishers Weekly exclaims that the book is "Amped up, Ultra-Violent... [and] slam-bang." Honestly, let's see Ian McEwan or Kazuo Ishiguro get a review like that!

Don't believe this book is gonna be great still? Well how about I tell you what else the author has written?

Oh wow, he wrote Phantom Prey and Invisible Prey! Those were great! Other classics include Broken Prey, Hidden Prey, Naked Prey, Mortal Prey, Chosen Prey, Easy Prey, Certain Prey, Secret Prey, Winter Prey, Shadow Prey and The Man Who Thought He Owned The World. Ok I made one of those up, can you guess which?

On the back cover it says John Sandford is a pseudonym for Pulitzer Prize winner John Camp. Weird, why does he use a pseudonym for the books he's putting out so quickly?

I'm sure you've already stopped reading this due to the impulse to order this on amazon immediately but for those of you still here, I present my review below.

Bliz-O-Vision says "This is one helluva snog-flog thriller!!"