Historically speaking, there haven't been many moments in my life that have been more fun than playing Tekken Tag Tournement for PS2, with my best friend Clayton. In fact, the only thing more fun than playing 'Tekken Tag', has proven to be making obscure references to the game. So when I heard they were making a movie of Tekken I knew it was something I had to see, despite probably screwed on the basis of video game movie history, but if they wanted to make it work there was just one simple key, simplicity.
The Tekken games are pretty basic and not terribly storyline driven, at least not so much that it's hard to keep up. Basically there is a big Corporation called the Mishima-Zaibatsu, and it's run by a CEO so badass that he opts to have a big tournament, called the King of the Iron Fists tournament, I believe, and whoever wins it, takes over Mishima-Zaibatsu. I don't know about you, but I call that badass. In fact, some day I'll have a tournament, called the Boss of Exploding Laser Dragonz tournament, and the winner gets this blog for themselves! Sweet! Anyway, back on track, it's just a tournament storyline, where each character has their own motivation for wanting to win. for a movie this can work great too! See Jean Claude Van Damme's awesome Bloodsport for a good example of a tournament movie handled right!
So…eugh… ok here's the movie's plot. The worlds governments have fallen, and large corporations have stepped up to take control of certain regions of the world. Forget about that though, because the other corporations are not really mentioned again. Anyway, the corporation known as Tekken, which of course is based in Tekken City, decides to start a tournament called Tekken, where the prize is… like a….um…. a free coffee at your nearest Tim Horton's. I dunno, it could be. We never really find out. Heihachi, the badass leader of the, um… Tekken corporation, talks about how important the tournament is a lot, and…uh… well his son Kazuya, who is NOTHING like Kazuya in the games, really wants to get high ratings. So basically, Tekken tournament is like a UFC thing or something.
The saddest thing is, that many of the characters look EXACTLY like their video game counterparts, which is unheard of. When I first saw previews, I kinda got excited. Check out these comparison photos of Jin and Bryan.
Isn't that nuts. They look almost exactly right, but Jin isn't anything like in the game. He's a rotten bastard. Very early on we see him walking around being extreme and stuff, and then he meets up with his girlfriend and making passionate whoopee, then minutes later he goes and gets into the tournament and is making out with and trying to sex up a different character later that night. What's really heart breaking about this is that it keeps cutting to his little girlfriend watching him on a big screen and cheering for him. So much for our honourable main character!
Worst of all for me they turned my favourite character Kazuya into just a plain old villain. What I love about the character is that he's a hardened badass, with no capacity for bullshit. Yes he is sorta villainous too, but you probably would be too, if your father threw your five year old ass into a volcano! They go with every stereotype possible to make him villainous. Big twist, Kazuya is Jin's father! In the games the impregnation happened at a time when he wasn't yet being controlled by a certain gene that fills him with rage. I picture that being an honest relationship that fell apart because of what he started to become. This idea is more tragic than the movie's decision to have him apparently rape Jin's mother and make a joke about it, with his stupid mirror universe goatee. You turned my favourite character into a rapist, seriously, fuck you!
So, I've laid out the bad, but is there any good? Sure. This movie is so stupid, it's wonderful. Think of movies like The Room and Birdemic. It's a great movie to get a bunch of friends together and talk over. I mean it's really really stupid, and terribly conceived. Mix the awful writing with the great fight scenes and you have a relatively worthwhile movie, as long as you are expecting the right things. Another thing that must be seen to be believed is the amazing amount of ass cleavage. If you see this movie you'll know what I'm talking about pretty quick. Wow.
As a movie, it's a lark, but as a Tekken movie, it's about as accurate as the Super Mario Brothers movie…yikes! Watch…but watch with caution!
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